I've been dealing with a fresh round of deceit lately. Not from the likely sources, but from the unexpected ones. I'm pretty sure it's worse when you don't see it coming. It's always a two part blow to me. First comes the rejection, and not long afterwards you figure out the deception.
I'm overly sensitive to deception. Blatant or by ommission. I know a lot of people think if you withhold information that you know is the truth from someone it's not really a lie. Not me. The truth is the truth, and leaving some of it out is a more dispicable form of lying than telling a bald faced lie. That I am required to withhold information as a routine part of my job is ironic considering how much I hate it.
I think I tend to over react to both since the first time I can recall a parent lying to me was when my Dad told me he'd be back to visit with me in the morning. The next morning my Mother lied to me and said my Dad had left us and didn't love us. They both continued to lie to me until I was an adult. Only then was I able to sit down with my Dad and ask the hard questions. I still haven't been able to do that with my Mother. They would claim I'm sure that they thought it was easier for me to deal with the lie than the truth. But was it really easier? A hurt is a hurt and dragging that hurt out over decades doesn't somehow lessen it.
I am not even certain that I'm facing the discovery of a fresh to me lie. If it is a lie, it's been going on a while. I'm looking back and seeing that all the facts are falling into easy to explain piles if there was a lie. The truth would seem to make the facts difficult to understand. The whole thing makes me mad, sad, upset, disillusioned and most of all depressed. To have someone perpetuate a lie to me makes me feel stupid and naive. It means that they thought so little of me as a person that they rolled one lie out after another and it never even bothered them.
It always makes me consider that I will never know whether someone is being honest with me or not. Am I incapable of weighing someone's words and making a good decision as far as whether to believe them or not? Do I need to spend the rest of my life being cynical to avoid the hurt of being lied to? Or should I just give up hope of hearing the truth and lower my expectations of all people since it's entirely possible that they will lie to me?
I hate lying.
