All week I had been dreading yesterday. I've known it would happen since May but no matter how much you know some things intellectually, the reality of it doesn't change. I think part of my bad mood over the weekend was me dreading yesterday, knowing my time was getting short.
I'm not going into specifics, but my reason for smiling left for a trip that will take him places where it will be difficult for us to talk. It's going to be a pretty long trip and I've become accustomed to having frequent contact with him that is now missing. Sucks! I mean, to the point where I've been disoriented since before noon yesterday.
We'll have ways to contact each other indirectly, but really, it's not the same. I'm a little surprised at the depth of feeling this all is evoking. I mentally give myself a talking to, telling myself it's only temporary and besides, I am not even sure that "this" is something that is "serious". It feels pretty serious to me .... at least right now. I wonder if it feels serious to him. I find myself hoping that he is missing me like this too and then get mad because that's kinda mean.
So I'm trying to distract myself. I gave blood yesterday kinda hoping it would make me tired enough to be less aware of how much I miss him. No joy and I couldn't go for even a short run after giving blood. No doubt I'll be putting in a lot of time with the running if only to tire myself out. I've volunteered to do a beach clean up on sunday. I think there is also a night volunteering at the food bank too while he's gone. I'm hoping it distracts me. I have Sweetie coming this weekend, and I have to get her a new cell phone since she put her old one through the wash machine. I'm a little peeved at her for that.
All this and still here I sit with this vague sense of being lost.
